Staring Directly into Silence

photo by Justin Blemly

Like many other people I’ve spoken to, I found Shambhala (or, Shambhala found me) at a pivotal moment in my life. I’d just ended a long and emotionally destructive relationship. I was struggling. Struggling against myself, my anxiety and with the way I’d allowed substance abuse to creep in and take over my life. I knew I wanted to change and to stop hating myself. I knew I wanted to do it “for real” this time.

Fortunately I had a close friend to confide in during this time, a social worker who’d previously struggled with some of the same issues himself. In that turbulent period we would talk, and he would listen. He suggested I read a book that really helped him through a rough time in his life – a book about Shambhala buddhism called The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness by Pema Chodron.

I was at the end of my rope and didn’t know what else to do. I bought a copy of the book and took it home. And there I sat, depressed and alone in my apartment, shades drawn, lights on low, wallowing in self pity and overwhelmed by a tidal wave of emotion; regret, anger, and confusion. I was skeptical about the book and “spirituality” in general but desperate to end the pain and confusion I was feeling, I thought I’d try anything … and like some kind of cosmic intervention, unknowingly had began the first step to change.

The “Me” Plan
In time, the relationship of five years fell apart. In it’s vacuum I found myself falling deeper and deeper into “me.” I’d had a good job for a few years and saved a lot of money. For the first time in my life I felt truly independent but somehow at the same time wronged and under appreciated. I began trading this pain for self-gratification, or “fun”. More often than not, “fun” came through substance abuse.

The substance abuse ultimately came to rule my next relationship of three years. It was the baseline. So much of that relationship was grounded in anxiety and lack of reciprocation, which transformed my love into aggression. I came to learn later, this is the very definition of samsara.

“We spend all our energy and waste our lives trying to recreate these zones of safety, which are always falling apart. That’s the essence of samsara – the cycle of suffering that comes from continuing to seek happiness in all the wrong places.”
~ Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty

The Edge
“The edge … there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson

By this time I was approaching the edge and it’s true, you don’t see the edge until you’re already past it. You wake up one day and look back at your life and ask “How did I get here? What the hell happened?”

There were many factors but ultimately it was the substance abuse that pushed me over. But I realized I couldn’t change unless I ended the relationship: I was done with self-hatred.

It was with this mind that I sat alone in my apartment, shades drawn, and first began to read The Wisdom of No Escape.

Mindfulness, Compassion, Courage, Self Love
To say that reading The Wisdom of No Escape changed my life is an understatement – it was more like stepping inside my own mind. The ideas the book conveyed spoke directly to my thoughts, feelings and experiences: ideas about instability, feelings of unworthiness and the powerlessness attached to self-abuse. At several points the observations were so real, and hit so close to home, that I broke down in tears.

In essence, I was staring directly into the thing I’d been silently searching for my entire life but didn’t know how to name. Fundamentally the book pointed out our inherent goodness, and how to become friends with and learn to love ourselves. No expectation, no judgment.

What’s more, it provided actual steps, things to do right now, practices to let go of anxiety that empower us to manifest real and permanent change in our lives. In other words, it taught the basic principles of sitting meditation.

Sitting
A strange thing happens when you start to learn sitting meditation; thoughts that would consume you and lead you around by the nose start to fall off. Those things in your mind that would “stick” and weigh you down begin to show up less frequently and with less intensity. You’ve begun to let go.

For me, the positive effects of meditation were obvious almost immediately. My mind was calmer and I noticed an overall reduction in my generalized anxiety disorder. I began to feel more open and receptive in all aspects of my life.

What really struck me was how a simple ten minute exercise could have such a profound effect. Initially, as an outsider, it didn’t make any sense to me. “Ten minutes … You just sit there?” How could this be more effective than any prescription medication?

But there it was; positive change was happening. The simple act of sitting with myself and clearing my mind was changing my life.

Nothing Is Solid
The non-theistic approach of Shambhala provides a way for all of us – the religiously affiliated and non-affiliated – to stabilize our minds and regain control of our lives.

I was learning for the first time in my life I don’t have to “change,” or “conform,” I just have to “be.” I can listen to Grindcore, I can be a Pantheist, and I can also study Shambhala meditation. These things are not mutually exclusive, they can all live inside of me. This is powerful.

Through this it helps us recognize the truth: that at it’s root, life is change. But realizing nothing is solid, means everything is basically workable. Coming to accept these realities is the first step on the warrior’s path.

My Eyes Are Open
It is with this perspective that I begin my journey. I am by no means someone who has “figured it out,” just someone actively working through the process.

In Shambhala practice they say that if you want to help yourself, help others. My hope is that by sharing my experiences I can help to inspire others to begin their own journey of awareness and compassion – taking those first steps towards an enlightened society – and, if my windhorse is strong, find greater awareness and compassion in my own life.

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Justin Blemly is a web application developer living in Baltimore, MD. He is an avid tattoo collector, cat lover and punk rock enthusiast. He began his Shambhala meditation practice in June 2013. You can read his full article and other writings on his blog by clicking here.